Upgrading your Attraction Operating System (aOS)

A great relationship starts with having a deep, meaningful, loving relationship with yourself.  If you have haven’t dealt with your -ish, any place you don’t feel good about becomes a insecurity, a hole in yourself that you make your potential partner responsible for fulfilling.

Not making six figures, he has to be paid.

Not sexually adventurous, he has to be a “put it down”  in the bedroom.

Don’t have a father figure for your kids, your children call him daddy after the first 30 days.

Perfect your environment.  And the primary environment you inhabit is this thing we call self.  When you get right with you, you will attract the right one for you.

That means dealing with your whole self not just the parts we show off, brag about, or lead with at parties.  This means owning and dealing with the fact that you’ve been divorced and it was painful. That you’ve never been happy about your self-image, or you work in a career you despise because you can’t see a way out.  It might mean you are a great friend, but a not so great mom. Or a wonderful employee but a terrible daughter.

It doesn’t matter the landscape of your “self” it matters the actions you are taking to actually upgrade yourself “perfect your inner environment” so that can reflect the best version of this “self” outwardly.

So many of use relationships as the cure-all for the things we don’t feel good about within ourselves.  As if somehow having a man will ease the pain of not being the woman that you want to be. No relationship status will keep you from seeing your reflection in the mirror.  Each day married or single, you still have to deal with you, live with your choices, take responsibility for your actions.

Perfecting your environment is not so much about making it “perfect” as it is upgrading and healing from where you are.   When you upgrade your inner world, you increase in value to the outer world. Not because they suddenly believe you are more valuable, more worthy, but because you believe it.

And a natural byproduct of upgrading yourself or taking yourself to the next level internally (intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically) is that you will naturally upgrade externally (financially, friends, family, career, work environment, home environment).  When you know and appreciate your own value you no longer settle or accept less than what you are worth.

Your aOs (Attraction Operating System) becomes a beacon for like-minded men.  Men who share your values, your beliefs, and moreover respects your wants, needs, and wishes.  

That’s not to say every man you date going forward will be a perfect match, but a significantly higher percentage of them will be.  And now that your aOS has been upgraded, you will be incompatible with lower versions of dating expectations, because they just don’t fit anymore.  

Perfecting your environment is about owning who you are and who you are not. It’s about knowing where you’ve won in life and knowing where there’s still work to be done.  When you can own the whole of you the good, bad, ugly, and especially the in- progress, you have “perfected” your environment and your aOs will naturally upgrade to the next highest version as you evolve and grow.  Now you are naturally a more exciting engaging fun human being who embraces her own evolution.

This is high value.

This is attractive.

This is sexy!

Want more ways to can upgrade your aOS?  Check out my FB Group Dating 201, because dating can be a delicious delight.  

Be Unapologetically Y-O-U!

Confident female designer talking on a mobile phone in red creative office space

In 9 Ways to Make Bringing Your Sexy Back More Fun and Exciting than Christmas Morning tip #4 is endorse your worst weakness.  This is really about the value of being fully you in the dating interaction.

It is key that you own who you are, and who you are not when dating.  There is nothing worse than going out on a date, really connecting, or even falling in love, only to discover that nothing about the person is real, or that they’ve been showing you all the good stuff and hiding all the stuff that they think makes them look bad.

It’s even worse if you’re the one doing the hiding.  First, it’s dishonest. Second, it’s deceptive. And, third, it’s draining.  The amount of energy required to keep up a facade is significant. Further, your chickens always come home to roost, and usually, at the worst possible moment.

Endorsing your worst weakness is really about owning who you are, warts and all. Whoever you are, show yourself, your real self, and allow the other person an opportunity to see, know and witness the real you.  This is really is the true measure of whether or not you can be in a relationship. After all, if two representatives show up to the date, you can’t truly know if the relationship can work until the real you and the real him come out to play.

Showing the real you is a sign of confidence, which as we know is the new sexy.  It means you can skip the drama, the games, the manipulation and go straight to the fun and adventure of dating. Sending your “decoy” to the date instead of showing up as yourself adds a layer of complication that doesn’t need to be there.  Moreover and most importantly, it erodes trust from the very beginning. Explaining why you did or didn’t do something, it’s much harder than just saying what’s true for you from day one.

young woman outside leaning against wall daydreaming

So own it – whatever “it” is!

No, you don’t want kids, because you already have four.

You aren’t a great cook.

But you are an exceptional mom.

You love Marvel movies.

And, fight for animal rights.

You love MMA and couture.

You don’t do dishes and buy groceries online.

And, make your grocery list ole skool with pen and paper.

Salsa makes you feel sexy.

And, you work out to rock.

You’ve got issues with your mom, but you’re working on them.

And, you’ve been trying to lose that last 15 pounds since your kid was 15 months.

No, I am not suggesting you unload this on the first date.  BUT, you don’t hide it or pretend something different either.

Whoever you are, and whoever you are not, be unapologetically you.  And, give him the opportunity to fall unapologetically in love with the real Queen that you are.  Check out more on this topic on #dateniteRx.

Want more insight on how to find love in a  fun exciting way, join my FB group Dating 201: Divorced and Single Again a group where smart, savvy, successful women dare to date with delight!


Compromise Kills Relationship – Tolerate Nothing!

Always wear your invisible crown

If you watched #dateniteRx on my Coach Ivy FB page this week, you probably know I feel strongly about this one.

When we compromise our standards, our requirements, we sell out on our dream of a REAL (romantic, enlightened, authentic, and lasting) love. We “settle’ for what we think we can get, instead of standing for what we know we deserve.

It is important to understand the impact of that when we are dating.  If there’s one place you want to stand your ground this is it!!

Tolerations drain you.  Over time, tolerations are the gremlins in a relationship that steal your affection, desire, and connection with your partner.  Think about 20 years of putting up with something you never liked in the first place. You are headed for a massive explosion, one your partner won’t understand since you’ve been “putting up with it” and “suddenly” it’s not good enough, nerve-wracking, or irritating.

Where you start in relationship is how you maintain or end.  If the jumping off point starts with something you don’t like or is a standard you’ve compromised on, it’s not likely to get better; in fact, it may even be the thing that causes the relationship to end or a significant contributing factor to the demise of the relationship.

This also teaches your partner how to treat you. If you’ve accepted this behavior, idiosyncrasy, or habit he may believe you like, appreciate, or even desire this type of behavior in other areas of your life.  If he’s jealous of men at your work, he may think you find this attractive and demonstrate this behavior when it’s inappropriate or even offensive, like with co-workers or your children.

And lastly, you devalue your worth when you settle.  You are telling men you can be bought for less than you are worth.  And when you sell out on your value, you sell out on the having the quality man you want and the relationship you deserve.

Do not allow the gift of your femininity, your spirit, your love, your Queenly essence to be purchased so cheaply.

Don’t settle.


Stand for being treated with courtesy, respect, going on a date (not just coffee), being called (not just texted), gentlemanly behavior, and being a prominent thought, not an afterthought.

Stand how you want to be treated, adored, cherished and loved.

Do not accept behaviors that are not in line with being the Queen you know yourself to be.  A true King respects and values the woman who values herself. The minute you devalue your worth by accepting less than you deserve, you tell him that you are NOT the Queen he believed you to be.

Remember Kings are looking for Queens.

Tolerate nothing!

And watch your King treat you like Queen you are.

As always my best advice happens online in my FB Group: Dating 201: Finding love the 2nd Time Around! Click the link to join!

Don’t Be Greedy . . . Drop being Needy!


Needy is the new creepy!  It’s absolutely a turnoff and borders on uncomfortable to sit across from someone who gives you the vibe that they are only there for what they can get from you.  It’s even worse when you know they are shopping for something specific (sex, a housekeeper, a good credit score, a mother for their child, or a mother figure – ick).

After a divorce, being needy is likely a stage we all go through.  Our femininity, ego, self-esteem has been to hell and back trying to make sense of the devastating loss of the love of your life (or at least the love of your life up until this point).  You question yourself, your motives, and your actions. All of which is perfectly normal given the circumstances.

In the aftermath, we naturally look for support, comfort, encouragement, and validation.  Not just about the fact that we made the right decision to divorce, and we’ll be ok, but we want to know that we still got “it”.  We want to know that we are still attractive, pretty, sexy, desirable. And if some of the transitions of divorce have yet to be resolved or completed, we may need more tangible support in the form of resources.  

I can remember being frustrated and scared every time my car needed work.  I didn’t know anything about cars and I felt like I was being taken by every mechanic.

But in the end, no matter what our needs are, we have to find a way to meet them for ourselves.  Just like you don’t want to sit across the table from a desperate man, he doesn’t want to sit across the table from a needy woman.

While this is a perfectly natural state in the aftermath of a divorce or break up, it is not the natural state of healthy human beings.  

It’s important for your own personal health, and the health of any future relationship, that you find a way to get your needs met.  When you come to the date, relationship, or marriage leading with your needs, it feels greedy, like you are a taker, seeking only to gratify herself rather than be in a healthy exchange of love and partnership where there is a balance of give and take from both parties.

Thirsty folks attract other thirsty folks at best; at worse, they attract people who will play to your thirst, satisfy their own, and them move on.  Either way, you end up getting hurt and feeling used. For more on this click on my #dateniteRx tip: dateniteRx.

Healthy relationships start with healthy individuals.  Healthy individuals come to the table understanding how to meet their own needs instead of demanding that their partners do so overtly or manipulating them covertly.

No human being can meet another’s needs, nor is it their responsibility.  And frankly, it’s unattractive.

I mean think about it this way . . . how sexy is it when you meet a man who has his ‘ish together.  The only thing he’s looking for is a woman to bring joy into his life. That’s HOT!  

Well, ladies, men feel the same way.  There’s nothing sexier than a woman who gets her own needs met and allows him to treat her like a Queen, instead of a princess who needs to be rescued. In spite of what tv and Disney tell us, most men do not enjoy being “Captain-Save-A-Ho”!

They do enjoy the company of a woman who is grounded and open to a relationship.  A woman who meets her own needs, and doesn’t cheapen her value for a few trinkets, cash, or sex.  She knows she’s a high-value woman and is looking for a man who is worthy of her value.

Remember, Kings are seeking Queens, not needy princesses looking for completion instead of her compliment.


Coach Ivy


Want more tips on How to Bring Your Sexy and Make it More Fun and Exciting than Christmas Morning?  Click here for all 9 tips: 9 Ways to Bring Your Sexy Back.


Why Self-ish is so Damn Sexy!

Being irresistible is a mindset before it’s a reality.  If you do not have the mindset that you are attractive, desirable, irresistible, no matter who tells you that you are the most alluring creature he has ever seen, you will not believe them.

Irresistible is not about what you wear, your hair, makeup, or weight.  It’s about you believing that you are a high value, woman with something to offer.  It’s about you believing that not only are you physically stunning, but you are emotionally secure, spiritually grounded, intellectually savvy, and mentally astute.  You believe that you are the total package. And therefore, you are irresistibly attractive to yourself.

Sexy Silhoettes

“Without you, attraction isn’t possible.”

If you don’t feel irresistibly attractive to yourself, you will not be attractive to others. Without “you” attraction isn’t possible.

That is to say without the real you, real and lasting love and partnership isn’t possible.

Real and lasting attraction, relationship, partnership, is based on something other than physical chemistry.  It’s based on what I like to call the chemistry of character.  It’s not about a pretty face, it’s about the radiance that exudes when you know who you are and your own value.  Not because of what he tell you, but because you know it for yourself

He doesn’t have to validate it.  

He doesn’t have to affirm it.  

He doesn’t even have to acknowledge it.  

It’s not for him, it’s the core of who you are.  It’s the you that shows up and is unapologetically you.

No representative.  No games. No manipulation.

Just you, the whole you, and nothing but you.

That’s not to say you download your life on the first date – that’s not attractive either – yikes!

But you do fully show up, as who you are; not who think he would like, want, or marry.

Real relationships are comprised of real people.  

At some point the real you does show up.  Imagine the disappointment when he finds out you are not who’ve you’ve pretended to be.

Heck, I’m sure you’ve had that happen to you.  We’ve all had that great guy who turned out to be something other than he said or demonstrated he was on those first couple of dates.  And, it was “Lose my information” moment.

Being self-ish is about being your authentic self standing for your own full expression as a woman, a mother, a professional, an entrepreneur, all of the above, none of the above or something else.  You know who you are and you respect and appreciate yourself and require the same of any man you date. And if not, no harm no foul. You simply move on. Because darling, you’re too amazing to accept less than being treated like The Queen you are!

Self-ish is sexy because this is a woman who owns all the parts of herself, warts and all.  

Being self-ish means you know who you are and your are unapologetic for all that you are, and all that you are not.  It it’s liberating and refreshing when dating. And it it definitely sexy. Most men are so used to women playing games, doing what they think men will like and want, to make him choose to be in relationship with you.

But the woman who is self-ish enough to know her value, her worth, doesn’t play those games.  She shows up, I mean fully shows up in the presence of a man, as a woman who knows and values herself.  She’s not looking for validation, she’s looking for a King. And a man who knows his worth, is also self-ish, looking to share his value with the woman he sees a Queen.

High quality men are looking for high value women and will settle for nothing less than the most authentic radiant version of yourself.  And he’ll treasure you like the Queen you are.

Looking for more dating and relationship advice – click here to like my FB page and join my community!

Are You Ready to Captivate Your King in 2018?

Happy New Year 2018 ChampaigneWelcome to 2018!

It’s a brand new year, ladies.  This is one of my most favorite times of the year.  It’s the time when the slate is wiped clean and we have the opportunity to write a new story or change the ending to an old one.

It’s the one time a year we as women are the most forgiving of ourselves.  That’s right generally speaking 360-ish days of the year we are really judgmental, critical, unforgiving, and generally harsh towards our bodies, our actions, our words – both spoken and unspoken, our habits . . . as women, we basically beat ourselves up until we either simply give up or buckle under the self imposed pressure to be perfect.

Then a few days before and after the start of a new year, we become incredibly forgiving. We acknowledge how far we’ve come and where we want to go. Our faith in ourselves is restored we set magnificent BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) and 10 days in we are back to beating ourselves up for making such a ridiculous goal in the first place.

Well, nuts to that!

This year, let’s take a page from the latest book The One Thing and pick the one thing that would mean the most, propel us the farthest, be the most fulfilling, and leave us deeply satisfied.

For some of us it may be a embarking upon a new career, buying a house, taking that dream vacation, or finally getting that dream car we’ve been fantasizing about.

But let’s face it, if you are on my mailing list, follow me on Social Media, or reading this blog you are a smart, successful, savvy woman who will likely achieve all that and more. 

What your soul is longing for, is a love life that rocks!  

couple kissingWhat you truly want, is to attract the love of your life so you can share all of that hard won success.  And that’s not to say you don’t share it with family and friends, but we know, it’s not quite the same as sharing it with your man.  That special someone that gets you, sees you, holds you, loves you.  The One who is the warrior for your heart and the lover of your soul.

Well this year, I’m making in my mission to help as many ladies as I possibly can attract and captivate the love of her life, the heart of her King.  I am committed to standing for REAL (romantic, enlightened, authentic, and lasting) love and sexy soulful partnerships for years to come.




I’ve dedicated my FB Group to teaching you the secrets that men will never tell you and your girlfriends don’t know.  The best of the best is all there for Y-O-U.  Including direct access to me (I hang out here the most when I’m online).  It’s for ladies only so don’t worry your secrets are safe with me.  Go here now to check it out!

Your story has not yet been written; or for those of you in a relationship and wanting a change, your story has been finished.

It is never too late to declare a “do-over”, to wipe the slate clean, and begin again with a fresh perspective, a renewed commitment towards love, romance, partnership, relationship and men.

All you need to do to begin again is to believe; to believe that love is possible for you, for your man, at any time, any place, any age, any stage of life.

And I am here to help!  This year, I am committed to helping my ladies in every way I can to finding true love, REAL love, and lasting partnerships with her One, her true King.

And to do that I’ve got lots of things planned for you, including:

💗 Introducing The Seven Habits of Highly Attractive Women

💗 21 Day Journey of Sensual Self Care

💗 Live Events in February and March

💗 Love Calls – A PRIVATE Call with me to ask Your Most Burning Relationship Question and Get it Answered

💗 Live Stream Trainings

💗 Webinars

💗 And Special Guests Trainings

And that’s not all!!

There will be opportunities for one-on-one and group coaching to make sure you have EVERY opportunity to Captivate Your King in 2018.

Trust me, you don’t want to miss a minute of what I’ve got planned for you!

This is is going to be the year; your year.  

Let’s make it reign . . . men!

To Your Love,

Coach Ivy

P.s. Remember my best goodies are shared in my FB Group. Click here to join!

P.s.s. If you really want to kick it up a notch, join my private mailing list.  All my ladies who are serious about captivating her king connect with me there.  You’ll get fresh content, tried and proven methods to enhance attraction and engage in soulful partnerships, not to mention all my best offers, and discounts get offered here first.  Click here to join now!

Until Death Do Us Part; But the Death of What?

Until Death Do Us Part; But What has to Die?

I was watching Iyanla Fix My Life this past weekend and she asked a very poignant question. She said people take the vow “until death do us part,” but what has to die for you to say the relationship is over?

Is it the death of our intimacy, the relationship itself, the emotional well being of our children, our physical safety, or the death of our essence or self, or the death of our ego.

I can totally understand that we must die to our ego’s to be in relationship. In fact that‘s the only way you can be in a healthy relationship or else it’s all about you and what you can get from your mate rather than a shared partnership.

But I don’t think relationship requires death to our Selves with a capital “S”, I think the little “self” is the ego. That part of you that wants what it wants when and how it wants it. And then I think there is our higher spiritual Self, our highest expression, that part of us that came to fulfill a purpose. And often your role in the relationship is part of that purpose, And at the same time, I don’t think we should have to give up that very critical part of who we are, why we are here simply to have a man in our lives.

I don’t think we should compromise on ensuring the wellbeing of our children and their safety and I certainly don’t think we should compromise on our own safety.

I am not an advocate of divorce. I’ve said many times, I am a hopeful romantic, believing in boundless love, held together by our commitment to creating a life with one another that honors, cherishes, and respects the other. And when that love is suffocating and debilitating I think it may be time to reevaluate, regroup and reassess the value of the relationship.

Death do us part, could simply mean the death of the primary purpose we came together, maybe it was simply to parent kids, maybe it was to grow you both in a way that would prepare you for the relationship you have after this one. Maybe you were never supposed to be together in the first place and what must die is your unhealthy attachment to one another.

I do know that relationships call for us to be all in and if something has to die for us to bring our full selves to be in the relationship, it begs the question if this is the relationship I was meant to be in. Yes we should, evolve, grow, and grow up. But we should have to lose ourselves in or to the relationship to have it. Nor should have to compromise the wellbeing of our children, our family or anything else we hold dear. A relationship should enhance the life you have, not cause it’s untimely demise.

So if you are in that relationship that has you feel like a little of you, your hopes, your dreams are dying each day, ask yourself what more has to die before I choose me before we.