As a single-mom, we often get so caught up in playing mommy (and for some of us daddy too) that we don’t take time to see ourselves as anything other than a mom. We are very in touch with the nurturing, maternal side of our femininity, but not the womanly, sensual, sexy side of our femininity. Part of being an empowered woman, an irresistible woman, is taking the time to acknowledge your femininity outside of motherhood.
It’s hard for us to be the provider, the cook, the maid, the secretary, the chauffer, the soccer-mom, and the mommy who kisses boo-boos all in one day; for some of us all in one hour! It can get crazy sometimes – Ask me how I know this?! And then, turn around and be the vixen, the goddess, the fem-fatal, who looks like Venus, and seduces men with just one glance. And in all honesty, who are we kidding, most women are just too tired to even thing about any of that. Even women I know who are married, say their favorite activity is sleep when they do not have their children — and by sleep they do not mean “sex with their husbands.” They mean sleep for hours at a time no interruption and no one to tell them when they have to wake up.
The first thing is as acknowledge that you want it and on some level we actually need it. Dr. Phil once stated that children are meant to leave us. We are responsible for their total care when they are first born and then they gradually begin to care for themselves as they grow older. If we’ve done our jobs well, this is a seamless transition for the child and for ourselves. We’ve given enough attention to their care and development and harmonized with our own as they grow older.
There are some women who have no identity, no sense of femininity, no life even, without their children. This can create a boat load of issues in your relationships with your children, including being over-protective, needy, non-supportive, and in severe cases co-dependency, resentment in the relationships with your child.
It is really great for a mommy to show herself as a mother and a woman to her children. It’s healthy. It generates balance in the relationships and provides a positive role model as well. That said, I am not suggesting you “get your sexy on” in front of your children. I am suggesting you get in touch with it as it allows for greater access to your femininity and when you are ready to be in that space for yourself, a date, or a partner, it doesn’t feel foreign, awkward or something unreachable. So many single moms just don’t date or make poor dating choices because they are cut off from that part of themselves; the part that offers ancient wisdom and guides their choices concerning dating, relationships, careers, family, friendships, life really.
After you’ve acknowledged that you want it (and need it), you have to commit to putting yourself first to get it. Just like a financial advisor advocates paying ourselves first to improve your savings, investing, and protecting your assets, I advocate putting yourself or caring for yourself first to increase your energy, vitality, well-being. When you take care of you first, there is more of you to give to the things you love – your family, your partner, your career, your passions, your dreams.
This is especially important for us as single-moms since we may not have a strong support system present for the parenting of our children. And even if you do, there comes a point each day, when it’s up to you to make dinner happen, get the rent paid, schedule doctor’s appointments, give baths, review homework, and all of the other seemingly small but very important tasks associated with being a parent who is present for her children. And the bottom line is, when you’re a single parent, it’s all on you when the kids are with you.
So how can we bring our sexy back in the midst of being a mom? Here are five things that cost nothing – or very little – and most you can do in your own home.
1- Meditate: This may not sound sexy, but a woman who is connected to herself, is truly radiant. Meditation slows your breathing and heart rate. It gets your mind and your body away from the fight or flight responses that are triggered daily by our hectic lives. They’ve done numerous studies on its power to reduce stress, addictions, over eating, and so many other ailments that are a part of our fast paced, drive-thru lifestyle. This mental slowing down can improve your mood and allow you to connect better with others. There are several kinds of meditations and no “right” way to meditate. Simply find a quiet place. If you can’t find one “create” one. I became a card carrying member of the 5 o’clock club because it was the only time I was not bothered by family, friends, work, children, and suitors. Not a morning person, do it late after your children are asleep. If you are new to this practice, I recommend setting a timer for five minutes, inhale for four seconds hold your breath for four seconds and exhale for six seconds. The counting will give your mind something to work on. Or you can simply focus on your breathing, actually listening to it, feeling it, noticing the quality of breath. It may be frustrating in the beginning because it’s unpracticed, but keep at it. Watch how it impacts your life. If you can do 5 minutes 3x a day that would be great! Even 5 minutes once a day will make a difference. The goal would be to work your way up to at least 20 minutes a day. When you are calm, centered, grounded, you FEEL GOOD about yourself. And when you FEEL GOOD, you generally radiate, light, health, and confidence. And men are attracted to healthy vibrant woman who are CONFIDENT. It’s sexy! There is nothing more unattractive than a clingy crazed woman, who is all over the place, looking for a savior.
2-Bring back the bath! Ok, this one is easy. Draw yourself a hot bath, complete with fluffy freshly washed towels and music. If your budget allows, add candles, bath salts, and wine (or tea if you prefer something non-alcoholic). Tuck the children in, and sink in to a hot tub . . . and . . . ahhhh . . . . Baths can be a sensual experience; the feel of the warm water, the smell of the soap or bath salts, soft lighting, music, the drying of yourself with fluffy towels and completing your personal toilette in the after-bath moments (applying lotion to your skin, brushing your hair, powdering your body). All of this puts you in touch with your own sensuality. Your senses are heightened and yet you feel soft, languid, receptive – all traits of the feminine; and femininity a calling card to sexy. If you want bonus points, sleep in the nude. That will definitely bring your sexy back!
3-Workout. Yes, I said it! And I’ll stand by it. Working out in and of itself may or may not connect you to your feminine essence depending on what kind of working out you do. For example, when I work out with my Jillian Michaels videos or go running or weight lifting – I DO NOT feel feminine! But when I go to Zumba or Yoga classes I definitely feel feminine. No matter how you work out, it’s the aftermath that makes the difference. It connects you to your body and burns off frustration. You are softer and yet more energetic at the same time. I’ve had women tell me that it actually helped improve their relationship with their children because they “didn’t sweat the small stuff” since they had already done all the sweating at the gym. I know that I am far more patient with my daughter when I’ve gotten a good workout in. In fact one time I was so cranky, my daughter said, “You are so much happier when you go to the gym!” And there are some great side benefits to working out in addition to brining your sexy back – you are sweating out impurities so many report more radiant skin, healthier hair, increased energy and sexual stamina, improved fitness, weight loss, no more bloating, reduction in cellulite, and greater physical strength. There is an ENDLESS list of benefits, to working out as you know. You actually begin to glow from the inside out. This body awareness allows your natural sensuality to come through. Overall it will bring greater comfort and confidence for you in relating to your body and body image. And trust me, a woman who is comfortable with and confident about her body is definitely sexy!
4-Hang out with your “girls.” Go out with your girlfriends and connect as a woman. Talk about anything but the children. This can be an inexpensive outing like a walk, a cup of coffee or tea, breakfast, or a trip to Spa World (only $40 to get in and soooo worth it). Or it can be an expensive outing, diner, a show, a shopping trip, a weekend getaway. I recommend a minimum of two hours at least once every six weeks; once a month would be ideal, but with children and schedules it’s not always possible. Only one rule – no children and no talk about the children! Ok well try to limit the talk to 5 minutes. Talk about being a woman, your hopes, fears, dreams, wants, needs; your dating life, your sex life; your fitness routine; your new Bring Your Sexy Back routine. Plan a bigger outing for the next time and create some excitement and energy around that. Combine Steps #1 and #3 and meditate and/or work out together. Go get a makeover together, go shopping together, see a movie together. Get a mani-pedi together or invite people over and do manis, pedis, and Margarita’s. Get together with all of your girls, or one really close girlfriend and “girl-it-up.” You will be nurtured by this. One of the things we don’t do enough is connect to the quality women in our lives. They have lots of wisdom and support to offer us as we move through different phases of our lives. Women need to be fed by feminine energy. Spending time with “your girls” increases your connection to your own femininity. How many of you have gone out with “your girls,” seen a hair style or outfit that inspired you? Learned of new spiritual practice, beauty technique, and immediately gave yourself a makeover? Or simply been inspired by how beautiful and radiant your ladies looked? You may have even asked one for assistance in creating a new look. The more feminine energy (rather than mommy energy) you radiate, the more attractive you become, the more sexy you feel.
5-Listen to Music and Dance! Dancing is still one of the amazing talents of the feminine arts. Men today are still mesmerized by watching a woman move her body. And you know this by the number of strip clubs and pole dancing classes being offered today! J Seriously, there is something magical and mysterious that happens when a woman dances. Whether she is dancing for herself or for a man, it generates a mystique that can stop a man dead in his tracks as he is lured to watching your femininity blossom before his eyes through dance. Women feel a sense of connection to themselves and to their own femininity when they dance. The music moves through you and tells you how to move. I know some ladies who claim they can’t dance. Or perhaps you have a physical limitation that impairs or prohibits dancing. Well then you can always listen to music and allow the music to move your body. No formula, no moves, no one from Dancing with the Stars evaluating you. Simply listen and let your body flow and move with the rhythm of the music, get carried away by its meaning. It is a truly sensual experience. This sensuality will permeate it’s way into your life, your day-to-day movements. It will have men notice you, the sway of your hips, the grace with which you move, the sensuality you bring to something as simple as walking to the water cooler. I even use dance as a way to connect with my daughter. We dance every night when we come home. We alternate picking the music. It’s a great way to relieve stress and lovingly nurture both of our feminine energies. So as the proverb says . . . “Dance like no one is watching!” Allow you sexiness to come into bloom as you feel the energy of the music move through you.
Sexiness is more about connection to oneself and an attitude or feeling about one’s sensuality or sexuality. And it takes time to cultivate if you are not in that mode. And many of us mommies are not. Take at least a couple hours and gift them to yourself each week. Make a commitment to enjoy your femininity, the sensuality of it; to honor your own sexuality and acknowledge your sexual needs and watch your sexy come back like a Vixen!