Ok, I wanted to call this Waiting for Superman until I realized it was a documentary on the education system in DC – great piece BTW. Then I realized that Thor and his “enchanted hammer” might be a far better example for 2014. And at the very least Chris Hemsworth – cast as Thor – is dreamy!
I am enamored with superheros! I always have been. I must have been one in a former life, I am sure of it! I mean what’s not to love, they have perfect bodies, amazing powers, deep sensitive personalities, even the brooding bad boy or nerdy types are hot. Some are rich, many are handsome, and a few are down-right sexy! What’s not to love?
But superheros aren’t reality. And, I don’t live in the Marvel or DC Universe (fictional worlds that birthed these yummy men). Neither Superman, nor Thor is waiting around to take me away from all of “this”. And truthfully I don’t want to be taken away. What I really want is my version of Thor, to come into my life (with his “enchanted hammer” of course) and we create a very real, and deeply satisfying relationship.
But I’ve noticed lately, that’s not what’s being promoted out there in the real world. We got The Millionaire Matchmaker, The Bachelorette, Bachelor Doctor segment on Dr. Oz, not to mention all of the romantic comedies and love stories featuring Morris Chestnut, and Ryan Gosling. All these men are “perfect”. Well their resumes are any way. The have great jobs, great bodies, handsome faces, lots of money, a mansion, fast cars, they know how to dress, they are sensitive, caring, and want a commitment to only one woman.
Yet, when leading groups and seminars for women, that just doesn’t seem to be the reality. Women (and men for that matter) are frustrated, lonely, sad, and disappointed. They’ve somehow chosen to “renovate” Mr. Potential, or they are waiting for one of these impeccable resume guys to come along. Neither of which ever works out for anyone.
I’m not saying Thor and Superman don’t exist. I believe they do. But not the way the media has set our expectations. Your Thor could be a loving accountant. You find him attractive, in good health, and he’s looking for a long-term commitment. He may not have a six-pack, but he’s health conscious. He’s not Mr. Sensitive, but he’s loving, he listens, and cares deeply about you. He’s a good father, and a strong man. He doesn’t have a mansion, but his modest condo is well maintained and his Toyota Camry is safe and clean. That’s a “super” man. That’s a modern-day real Thor. Not a god from Asgard, but a man from Earth.
Is it possible that we have all been duped by Disney, Reality TV, and Matchmaking Shows that prey on our fanciful thinking about love and relationship? Do we some how consciously and unconsciously long for this unrealistic version of Mr. Right, sorry Mr. Perfect, with the body of Thor, the manners of Superman, Prince Charming’s castle, and Donald Trump’s cash? Yeah . . . I’m pretty sure that’s the case for many of us, even when we swear it’s not.
And it’s damn hard not to quite frankly. We’ve been fed this idealistic fantasy since we could hold a book, or now-a-days we don’t have to do anything more than click a button on our iPads to hear and see Cinderella win the day and the man . . , sorry “The Prince.” All by just wishing, hoping, and waiting, . . .and possibly a little house cleaning.
Think you might possibly be one of those women wishing, hoping, or waiting for your prince, your Thor? Here are a few signs that might indicate you are waiting for a superhero:
1 – You notice his flaws before you notice what he’s got going for him.
Before he even asks you out, you have a list of what’s wrong. He wears sandals, or doesn’t wear suits, he uses too much cologne, he’s has a kid, he doesn’t have a kid, he doesn’t have a house, his house is too big, his job is menial, his job is too demanding, he’s too nice, he’s not nice enough, he too sensitive, he’s not sensitive enough. Cut a guy a break! No man is perfect. And let’s face it ladies, neither are we.
2 – You want a mind reader.
This is a superpower. And no human has that power. A few come close, but on the whole, very few men are going to know what you want when you want it, and how you want it. My grandmother used to say “You must summer and winter and summer and winter with a man to truly know him;” and for him to truly know you. Give a man the chance to know you and then leave some space for him to please you. The right man will be paying attention.
3 – You want a superhero because all your last boyfriends were super villains (or worst super losers) and you aren’t going through that again!
You are using him to make up for past relationships. “He” has to be perfect because all of your past beaus were duds. That’s not his fault. It’s not even the male species fault. You are 100% empowered to end any relationship at any time. Especially one’s that you feel aren’t healthy or just the wrong fit. I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying it can be done. And they ugly truth is no matter how perfect he is, it won’t make up for all the damage done by those previous relationships. You need to do your work and get support to deal with that. Don’t make him pay for something he had nothing to do with.
4 – You don’t have it all, but if you put his stuff with your stuff, then you both would have it all together.
Wrong! My unresolved issues plus your unresolved issues equals breakup.
Equation: 1//2 + 1/2 = 0
This is a tough one. Many of us don’t want to admit this is true. But I see a lot of women (and men) who really are looking for someone to “complete” instead of “compliment them. This never works out. Only you can address the areas of struggle in your life. Just like you can’t fix him, he can’t fix you. And remember, two wrongs don’t make a right; they make a mess.
5 – Thor aka “perfect-man” means I won’t get hurt.
Theres an idea floating around in the world that the closer he is to perfection the less chance you’ll be hurt. Hogwash! (I think we all remember Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston Hollywood’s fairy tale – yeah, not so much!) Relationships are messy and no one is perfect. Even our superhero Thor has his issues. He loves a woman from another universe, his father wants him to be king and he doesn’t, his brother is in prison for treason, and he’s never home because he’s saving the world. Sounds like some of the guys you’ve dated right? You won’t be happy or complete in any relationship. Relationships aren’t meant to “make you happy.” They can be a source of happiness, but only you have the power to control your feelings and some days you don’t even have the power to do that! Emotions are like the wind after all – coming and going and blowing. At the end of the day consider it a blessing to be partnered with someone who will share your ups, downs, and in-between life moments; someone who will witness your life.
Many women want a superhero because deep down in places they don’t talk about at parties (thank you Colonel Jessup for that line) they aren’t satisfied. They may “have it all” but it feels empty, because what they truly want is a partner to “share it all” with. They want to share their careers, their homes, their beds, and their hearts with a man, a true partner. They want the feelings that Thor (Chris Hemsworth) gives Jane (Natalie Portman) in the movie; the feeling of being loved, protected, wanted, valued, respected for who they are. I get that. I want that too.
Having a perfect man, won’t perfect you, or your life. A man who is “all in”, can’t give you “all things”. He can’t be everything you are to and for yourself. Then he wouldn’t be himself.
What I am hoping is that we come to realize that there are plenty of Thors in our own Universe. We don’t have to travel to Asgard, or even Alaska to find the perfect mate. Our superhero doesn’t have to have superpowers, or a perfect back-story and family tree; he doesn’t have to have the perfect resume, or the perfect bod. In fact he doesn’t have to be perfect period. What I really want (what I think we all want) is a man who is the perfect complement to my somewhat eclectic, somewhat nerdy, and at times needy, but decidedly passionate and personality; a man who’s into partnership, not perfection.
There are real men, relationship minded men right under your nose. And they are waiting to put on their capes for the woman who sees him as her man, her lover, her partner, her superhero, her Thor. Don’t keep him or you waiting, by watching the skies, waiting for the myth to materialize.