Until Death Do Us Part; But What has to Die?
I was watching Iyanla Fix My Life this past weekend and she asked a very poignant question. She said people take the vow “until death do us part,” but what has to die for you to say the relationship is over?
Is it the death of our intimacy, the relationship itself, the emotional well being of our children, our physical safety, or the death of our essence or self, or the death of our ego.
I can totally understand that we must die to our ego’s to be in relationship. In fact that‘s the only way you can be in a healthy relationship or else it’s all about you and what you can get from your mate rather than a shared partnership.
But I don’t think relationship requires death to our Selves with a capital “S”, I think the little “self” is the ego. That part of you that wants what it wants when and how it wants it. And then I think there is our higher spiritual Self, our highest expression, that part of us that came to fulfill a purpose. And often your role in the relationship is part of that purpose, And at the same time, I don’t think we should have to give up that very critical part of who we are, why we are here simply to have a man in our lives.
I don’t think we should compromise on ensuring the wellbeing of our children and their safety and I certainly don’t think we should compromise on our own safety.
I am not an advocate of divorce. I’ve said many times, I am a hopeful romantic, believing in boundless love, held together by our commitment to creating a life with one another that honors, cherishes, and respects the other. And when that love is suffocating and debilitating I think it may be time to reevaluate, regroup and reassess the value of the relationship.
Death do us part, could simply mean the death of the primary purpose we came together, maybe it was simply to parent kids, maybe it was to grow you both in a way that would prepare you for the relationship you have after this one. Maybe you were never supposed to be together in the first place and what must die is your unhealthy attachment to one another.
I do know that relationships call for us to be all in and if something has to die for us to bring our full selves to be in the relationship, it begs the question if this is the relationship I was meant to be in. Yes we should, evolve, grow, and grow up. But we should have to lose ourselves in or to the relationship to have it. Nor should have to compromise the wellbeing of our children, our family or anything else we hold dear. A relationship should enhance the life you have, not cause it’s untimely demise.
So if you are in that relationship that has you feel like a little of you, your hopes, your dreams are dying each day, ask yourself what more has to die before I choose me before we.