In this dog eat dog world you guys get a bad rap. And most especially from women. We are hard on a brother. And generally not because of anything you did, but because of the long line of “sit down” fellas that preceded you. There are very few rights a passage for men in this day an age. At least for American men with few exceptions.
This cycle begins with fathers, who may not have been around at all; or if/when they were, they half-assed being a daddy as their fathers had before them. Not out of malice or a lack of love, but a lack of instruction or know how. And let’s face it fellas, you can give what you don’t have, or teach what you don’t know. The best of you reach out, figure it out, and commit to being a better man than those before you. The rest, I personally think are simply lost in their own struggle(s) with no one to show them them way. I’m not man, but my guess is just like being a woman, without someone to show you the way, the journey is long, hard, and the ass-kickings frequent.
For women dating those dudes it looks like, (or feels like) anything and everything from being with a guy who simply has no integrity – i.e. does not honor his word, or trying not to project your frustrations from that last “sorry” so-and-so who lied, cheated, couldn’t or didn’t commit, used her, or all of the above.
Throw in the the hundreds of hits you get from the less than honorable gentle-”men” online, and what you have is a generation of women who have lost faith in a man’s ability to be a man; or a “good” man however she defines it.
With no hope to meet the man of our dreams, we fully installed our “bitch-shield”, and pray for the best. This is that wall of resistance, anger, bitterness, distance, or disdain that you guys probably encounter as early as the first phone call.
Years of training have taught us not to believe, not to trust, not to open to a man, because we know that in the end, we’ll be the ones listening to One Last Cry by Brian McNight, drowning our sorrows in Hagen Daaz.
Years of practice have harden our once soft hearts, making it damn near impossible for a man, any man, great, good, or in-progress, to get in without scaling the fortress of judgment, fighting dragons of the past, only to be required to give us a kiss of pure love and commitment before you even know our name.
And, it’s not fair.
No we shouldn’t judge you based upon our experience of the past, but if that’s all we’ve got, and we girl’s feel justified in protecting ourselves. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying that’s how it is.
And it’s not just women, that give men a bad rap, it’s society at large. There are no television shows with strong men. All the sitcoms portray men as idiots, or being controlled by women. The women earn the money and run the family.
All of the drama’s have men as players, or if they are in a relationship they are liars, cheaters, or abusers or have to come to some crisis of belief before they “fall” in love and “discover” that she is the one.
Romance novels paint unrealistic pictures of the “perfect” man leaving women to ponder “Where the hell is this dude?”
Reality shows give us the scarcity take on relationships – i.e. there are very few men in the world in general. And the few that exist are out either out of our league (all millionaires in LA, or 22 years old software geniuses who’d rather play video games), or we’ll have to scratch and claw our way through 20 women to get to one good single man in our office, church, singles group.
Self-help books tell you to work on yourself and don’t worry about the man at all. He’ll either show up or if he doesn’t, eventually you won’t care. So embrace being lonely and like it.
Well, I don’t believe it! I don’t believe all men are players, commitment-phobes, or idiots; I don’t believe that men aren’t capable of real intimacy, real connection, and mature relationships; and I sure as hell don’t believe that men don’t want intimacy, partnership, and love.
What I DO believe is that we’ve made it impossible for men, masculine men, to show themselves,and be appreciated.
That holding a door gets you a nasty look. Offering to carry a package, gets you a nasty comment, and offering a compliment or comment about her beauty or feminine charms gets you slapped.
I get it. It’s not easy to be a man today. It’s not easy to have your masculinity accepted, appreciated, llet alone celebrated.
And you know what? You know what the real truth is?
Women are DYING to see MEN!! We are LONGING to know you exist.
We want to see you.
We NEED to see you.
We want to witness your masculinity.
We want to revel in it, be protected by it. This isn’t about taking us back to the 1920’s where all there is for women is the kitchen and the bedroom. This is about showing up as the full power of masculine men in the face of the fullness of a feminine woman.
It’s about a man being able to be in the presence and accept all of me/us as woman and still be in your masculine. There is NOTHING sexier that a man holding his full masculine presence energy in the full expression of a woman.
It is this expression of masculinity that we want to see, need to see. We ladies are looking for our compliment, our rock, and our champion.
We want to see men; men who lead and men who love; men who laugh and men who cry. Men who father and men who parent. Men who keep their promises, and men who act with generosity as well as ferocity.
We need to know that you actually exist, that the there is real possibility for lasting and loving relationship with a grown a*s man, capable of grown up love.
Yeah, I know some of you say yeah, I’m that guy and women don’t want me, like me, or the package I come it. They are condescending, commanding, demanding, and downright domineering. And frankly no one has time for the nonsense.
Hey, I hear you. And I write this letter as someone has to make the first move.
We have to see with better eyes and engage with an open heart.
And my request of men is to stand firm in the fullness of your masculinity.
Maybe just maybe we can meet in the middle.
So MEN . . . Show Yourselves . . .
Men of integrity, show us that you can honor his word and your needs..
Men of strength, offer to help me with my packages. In fact, insist. Show me that this man never lets a woman struggle when your strong arms and take the weight.
Men of tenderness, lend me your shoulder when you hear the sadness of my voice. Wipe my tears with your gentle hands when they spill onto my cheeks. Show me you can handle my sadness even when it’s inconvenient and you can’t fix it.
Gentlemen, hold my doors, offer your arm when we are walking, request a call to so you know I’m home safe. Help me with my coat, take my hand when I’m stepping into and out of your car. Gently usher me into a building with your hand in the small of my back, and present me as someone meaningful in your life to friends and family.
Lovers learn what pleases and pleasures me. Don’t just “understand” that my body needs more time, honor that, support that, usher me to fulfilment, allow me to completely surrender to your touch.
Protectors don’t be afraid to stand up to me and for me. If I’m being a shrew, gently remind me of who I am, and remind me of who you are, my man, on my side, loving me always. Stand for me when we face the world. Have my back, don’t leave me out there uncovered, unprotected, vulnerable. Stand with me when we create our lives. Be a stand for our relationship, fight for us, protect the sanctity of our relationship against internal threats infidelity, boredom, routine, and outside threats – non-supportive family and friends, tragedy, sadness, health issues, family crisis, and demanding careers.
Providers create a safe space for me to be me, for me to be loved exactly as I am exactly as I am not. Do your share to contribute to our lives emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and financially. Create as space me to flourish and blossom.
Fathers show me you can be a dad, present for your children, respectful of their mother no matter your status. That you can be emotionally available and financially responsible for any child you have brought into this world. That YOUR children are important to you and a part of your life. That you refuse to contribute to the next generation of women who can’t see a man as a gift.
Leaders share your relationship vision, your life’s mission. Let me see that you are actually going somewhere doing something. That your aren’t self-absorbed but rather a self-advocate for all. That you know what you want, and aren’t afraid to go after it, no matter what it is, including me. That you aren’t afraid to lead me, to lead a relationship, to lead a family into a life of love. It may not be a perfect life, but you can be counted on to be there making choices with me in the trenches, in the moments when life is rough.
Your masculinity belongs to you. Of course you don’t need a woman’s permission to express or give your gifts. I also know the world is not making it easy for you to show up fully, present as masculine. Women have been conditioned not to trust the masculine with our bodies, with our hearts, with our hopes, fears and dreams. Now more than ever we need you to show up, stand up as the full expression of masculinity; as warriors for truth, champions of children, protectors of family; as leaders, as lovers, and as friends.
I know you are out there.
You will be welcomed.