Stop Denying and Start Deciding!

As women we are great at denial.  We have perfected the art and science of being a martre. 

We say we can’t because we don’t have time, because we are too busy taking care of everyone else.

We say we don’t have money, because we spend it all on our kids, house, care, bills.

We say we are too tired, because no one gives us a break.

The truth is, we are in massive denial.

I remember my first transformation.  I was in denial about losing weight, taking care of myself, my looks, my wardrobe. I had a “mommy body” and the wardrobe to match.  I’d become artful at hiding.  My hair was always in a bun.  My clothes always baggy and I didn’t wear makeup.  I was content (denial) being a mom.

Then one day my daughter – she was about 2 – climbed up a flight of stairs to her room and followed.  I got winded and had to sit down at the top.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was in my mid-30’s. I was young and vibrant, living like I was 75 in a nursing home. 

I remember I read this teen romance novel (don’t judge me) when I was in HS.  In the story the teen heroine goes to a slumber party and her mom drops her off.  She overhears the girls talking about her mom and how overweight she was.  I’m being kind as I retell this story.  These teens were merciless. It made me think of my daughter. If I didn’t get myself together, I was going to be the mother, taking her kid to slumber parties, hiding in the car so I don’t embarrass my daughter.

I had to face the truth, I’d let myself go.  After my daughter was born her dad and I separated.  Like her dad, I’d lost any interest in myself as a woman.  It was then I had to finally face reality. If I wasn’t interested in me as a woman, why would any man be?  I know.  I know. He was my husband, death do us part and all that, but you can’t ask someone for validation you can’t give to yourself.

He always thought I was attractive.  I never believed it.  And it because a self-fulfilling prophecy. No this wasn’t why my marriage ended.  But I had to stop denying that it was a contributing factor.

I didn’t want to continue to lose what was important to me.  It was time to stop denying and start deciding.

Deciding to make time, and actually take time for me.

Deciding to work out instead of watch tv.

Deciding to get new clothes and stop hiding behind black draps swathed across my body.

Deciding to learn how to apply make up and actually buy some and wear it.

Deciding to get a nutritionist.

Deciding to reinvent and reclaim my femininity, starting with loving myself enough to stop denying what was right in front of me.


Self-care, self-love is powerful heady stuff.

When you treat yourself well, you live well, and you feel good.  Your confidence soars; your lifestyle improves; your relationships are enjoyable.  The world reflects back to you how you treat yourself and how you feel about yourself.

When you deny yourself, the world will deny you too.

Stop denying yourself.  Empower yourself, with selfcare and self-love, and watch your life turn into the epic adventure, you always knew it could be.

Want more inspiration, empowerment, and delicious ways to love yourself, join my FB group Makeover My Life or follow my FP Page here.

Five Ways Women Make Themselves Highly Attractive – No Makeup Required!

Outer beauty is a by-product of inner beauty.

Inner beauty comes from knowing one’s value and believing in it.  Not just on the days, you look good, but on the days you look god-awful and still, you know you are “worth it” whatever it is!

What is the secret to this je ne sais quoi you ask? blog

It’s knowing you are the priority of your life!

High value, high vibe, boss ladies are The Queen of their lives.  They neither expect, nor do they accept, less than they deserve or want.

They prioritize their needs wants and wishes above all.  Not in a selfish demanding way.  In a way that lets the world know, I am here and worth it!

This may sound simple, but for many women, it’s the hardest thing in the world to do.

Honestly, I think for the most part it’s not because we don’t want to, or are incapable. I believe it’s because most of the time we simply aren’t aware that we are putting everyone and everything else before ourselves.  When we do that, it shows the world our value.  It shows the world the price tag we put on our time, talents, gifts, and resources.

The value you hold for your uniqueness tells the world your purchase price.

Sometimes our price is simply too cheap.  We sell out, or settle for mere crumbs at our own dinner table.

Sometimes, it’s obvious how and when we sell out or settle:

  • Your sister always asks you to babysit her kids, and you say yes no matter what you’ve got going on “she needs the break!”
  • Your boss dumps work on you as you are just about to walk out the door, and you stay late.
  • Your good friend’s bridal shower falls on the same weekend you planned a spa day, and you cancel your pampering – mind you, it’s her third marriage, but who’s counting.
  • Your kids need new shoes, karate lessons, music lessons, tutors, and so you put off buying yourself that book you’ve been dying to read over a hot cup of tea and a bath all the while thinking who has the time to read anyway?

Other times, it’s not so obvious.  In fact it’s subtly disguised as “the right thing to do,” e.g.:

  • You never take lunch, sick, or vacation from work, because you don’t want to leave a pile of work (hint: there’s always a pile of work, that’s actually why you have a job!).
  • You’ve walked past the dance studio three times and long to sign up for lessons and still your dance shoes remain hanging in your closet. You simply don’t have the time right now.
  • Your kids don’t need another video game, but you desperately need a pedicure, and yet the new game is in your purse as we speak.
  • You’ve been meaning to schedule a physical, but simply haven’t gotten around to it – you feel fine.
  • You can’t remember the last time you and your girls had a night out or even a girl’s night in for that matter, but either way, you are too busy or too tired so so you probably couldn’t make it anyway.

These reasons seem noble, seem like the right thing to do.  Seem like you are being a Queen who takes care of her Queendom.

But in the end …

You’re exhausted.

You’re frustrated.

You long for social connection that has nothing to do with work or your children.

Spa days are “Nah-days”.

You haven’t been on a date in who knows how long.

And sex, fuggedaboutit!

You look at your girlfriends and co-workers and wonder how some women seem to have it all.  You wish that whatever “it” was, “it” would rub off on you.

There’s no mystery and it’s not rocket science.

Those women make themselves the priority.

They know that when their tank is full there is more of them to go around.

They make sure to fill their tanks daily, weekly, and monthly.

They don’t allow themselves to be empty.

How do they do this?

Practice. Practice. Practice.

Daily. Daily. Daily.

But how does one practice prioritizing themselves after a lifetime of making sure everybody and everything else is satisfied before your needs are even considered?

It’s not as hard as you might think.

Here are a few baby steps you can take that might nudge you in the right direction.

1 – Prioritize yourself and your needs.  If you don’t get fed, nobody gets fed. This isn’t selfish.  It’s self-preservation.  You can’t give what you don’t have.  If your cup is empty, you’ve got nothing to pour.

2 – Set ironclad boundaries and limits and then honor them.  Don’t just tell yourself what you are and are not going to do.  Share your boundaries with others. Not as some dramatic declaration, but as the need arises and firmly.  “I am on my way out, but I can get to it right after my 9 am meeting.”  Be clear succinct and unapologetic about keeping your boundaries.

3 – Re-negotiate deadlines to work for you.  Get curious about what is being asked, why, and the impact.  Typically, you find out people want it when they want it because they want it.  More often than not it’s never about a hard deadline, but an arbitrary one the person sets for their convenience.  A highly attractive woman knows that someone else’s “important issue” does not constitute an urgent issue for her.  She sets the deadline according to her priorities, not theirs.

4 – Flexes your “No.” muscle.  Being able to say “No.” really makes room for you to say “Yes.” to the important things; things that matter or are meaningful to you.  Most people fear to say “no” because they fear the person won’t like them, un-friend them or some other form of social castration.  On the contrary, the person typically likes you MORE.  They know that you set and keep boundaries, that you are not a doormat and they respect you for it.  Often after a couple of “no’s,” they won’t even come to you with a nonsense request they could have handled on their own.

5 – Be willing to take the risk of being unpopular to be in integrity with yourself, and your priorities.  This may take time and practice, but focus on the life you are creating, the things that matter to you and eventually you will no longer be concerned about someone like you, approving of you, or your choices about your priorities.  You know what it takes to keep you whole, healed, nourished, and radiant.  Be unapologetic about taking care of yourself first, getting your needs met, and managing your priorities first.

It’s simple, but may not easy.  We have such demanding and fast-paced lives it’s easy to get overwhelmed.  Hey, you can be overwhelmed before 9 am if you read the email before you get to work (which is why I don’t by the way).

This isn’t about cutting people out.  It’s about letting the most important people in. It’s about loving yourself enough that you are choosy about what you give your time, attention, and energy too.  If it’s nourishing you, serving you, lifting you, encouraging you, then it’s a yes.  Anything less that than that, means that you are de-valuing your time, talents, and abilities by being on someone else’s program and not your own.


Your self-worth has nothing to do with your craft or calling, and everything to do with how you treat yourself.Kris Carr


If you don’t value your time, your energy, your vitality, your spirit, someone will always be there to take it, use it, drain it, or give it away.

Make sure you make yourself the priority of your life.


Want more of the Seven Habits of Highly Attractive Women, click here to join my group program starting April 7th.

Upgrading your Attraction Operating System (aOS)

A great relationship starts with having a deep, meaningful, loving relationship with yourself.  If you have haven’t dealt with your -ish, any place you don’t feel good about becomes a insecurity, a hole in yourself that you make your potential partner responsible for fulfilling.

Not making six figures, he has to be paid.

Not sexually adventurous, he has to be a “put it down”  in the bedroom.

Don’t have a father figure for your kids, your children call him daddy after the first 30 days.

Perfect your environment.  And the primary environment you inhabit is this thing we call self.  When you get right with you, you will attract the right one for you.

That means dealing with your whole self not just the parts we show off, brag about, or lead with at parties.  This means owning and dealing with the fact that you’ve been divorced and it was painful. That you’ve never been happy about your self-image, or you work in a career you despise because you can’t see a way out.  It might mean you are a great friend, but a not so great mom. Or a wonderful employee but a terrible daughter.

It doesn’t matter the landscape of your “self” it matters the actions you are taking to actually upgrade yourself “perfect your inner environment” so that can reflect the best version of this “self” outwardly.

So many of use relationships as the cure-all for the things we don’t feel good about within ourselves.  As if somehow having a man will ease the pain of not being the woman that you want to be. No relationship status will keep you from seeing your reflection in the mirror.  Each day married or single, you still have to deal with you, live with your choices, take responsibility for your actions.

Perfecting your environment is not so much about making it “perfect” as it is upgrading and healing from where you are.   When you upgrade your inner world, you increase in value to the outer world. Not because they suddenly believe you are more valuable, more worthy, but because you believe it.

And a natural byproduct of upgrading yourself or taking yourself to the next level internally (intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically) is that you will naturally upgrade externally (financially, friends, family, career, work environment, home environment).  When you know and appreciate your own value you no longer settle or accept less than what you are worth.

Your aOs (Attraction Operating System) becomes a beacon for like-minded men.  Men who share your values, your beliefs, and moreover respects your wants, needs, and wishes.  

That’s not to say every man you date going forward will be a perfect match, but a significantly higher percentage of them will be.  And now that your aOS has been upgraded, you will be incompatible with lower versions of dating expectations, because they just don’t fit anymore.  

Perfecting your environment is about owning who you are and who you are not. It’s about knowing where you’ve won in life and knowing where there’s still work to be done.  When you can own the whole of you the good, bad, ugly, and especially the in- progress, you have “perfected” your environment and your aOs will naturally upgrade to the next highest version as you evolve and grow.  Now you are naturally a more exciting engaging fun human being who embraces her own evolution.

This is high value.

This is attractive.

This is sexy!

Want more ways to can upgrade your aOS?  Check out my FB Group Dating 201, because dating can be a delicious delight.  

Be Unapologetically Y-O-U!

Confident female designer talking on a mobile phone in red creative office space

In 9 Ways to Make Bringing Your Sexy Back More Fun and Exciting than Christmas Morning tip #4 is endorse your worst weakness.  This is really about the value of being fully you in the dating interaction.

It is key that you own who you are, and who you are not when dating.  There is nothing worse than going out on a date, really connecting, or even falling in love, only to discover that nothing about the person is real, or that they’ve been showing you all the good stuff and hiding all the stuff that they think makes them look bad.

It’s even worse if you’re the one doing the hiding.  First, it’s dishonest. Second, it’s deceptive. And, third, it’s draining.  The amount of energy required to keep up a facade is significant. Further, your chickens always come home to roost, and usually, at the worst possible moment.

Endorsing your worst weakness is really about owning who you are, warts and all. Whoever you are, show yourself, your real self, and allow the other person an opportunity to see, know and witness the real you.  This is really is the true measure of whether or not you can be in a relationship. After all, if two representatives show up to the date, you can’t truly know if the relationship can work until the real you and the real him come out to play.

Showing the real you is a sign of confidence, which as we know is the new sexy.  It means you can skip the drama, the games, the manipulation and go straight to the fun and adventure of dating. Sending your “decoy” to the date instead of showing up as yourself adds a layer of complication that doesn’t need to be there.  Moreover and most importantly, it erodes trust from the very beginning. Explaining why you did or didn’t do something, it’s much harder than just saying what’s true for you from day one.

young woman outside leaning against wall daydreaming

So own it – whatever “it” is!

No, you don’t want kids, because you already have four.

You aren’t a great cook.

But you are an exceptional mom.

You love Marvel movies.

And, fight for animal rights.

You love MMA and couture.

You don’t do dishes and buy groceries online.

And, make your grocery list ole skool with pen and paper.

Salsa makes you feel sexy.

And, you work out to rock.

You’ve got issues with your mom, but you’re working on them.

And, you’ve been trying to lose that last 15 pounds since your kid was 15 months.

No, I am not suggesting you unload this on the first date.  BUT, you don’t hide it or pretend something different either.

Whoever you are, and whoever you are not, be unapologetically you.  And, give him the opportunity to fall unapologetically in love with the real Queen that you are.  Check out more on this topic on #dateniteRx.

Want more insight on how to find love in a  fun exciting way, join my FB group Dating 201: Divorced and Single Again a group where smart, savvy, successful women dare to date with delight!


Don’t Be Greedy . . . Drop being Needy!


Needy is the new creepy!  It’s absolutely a turnoff and borders on uncomfortable to sit across from someone who gives you the vibe that they are only there for what they can get from you.  It’s even worse when you know they are shopping for something specific (sex, a housekeeper, a good credit score, a mother for their child, or a mother figure – ick).

After a divorce, being needy is likely a stage we all go through.  Our femininity, ego, self-esteem has been to hell and back trying to make sense of the devastating loss of the love of your life (or at least the love of your life up until this point).  You question yourself, your motives, and your actions. All of which is perfectly normal given the circumstances.

In the aftermath, we naturally look for support, comfort, encouragement, and validation.  Not just about the fact that we made the right decision to divorce, and we’ll be ok, but we want to know that we still got “it”.  We want to know that we are still attractive, pretty, sexy, desirable. And if some of the transitions of divorce have yet to be resolved or completed, we may need more tangible support in the form of resources.  

I can remember being frustrated and scared every time my car needed work.  I didn’t know anything about cars and I felt like I was being taken by every mechanic.

But in the end, no matter what our needs are, we have to find a way to meet them for ourselves.  Just like you don’t want to sit across the table from a desperate man, he doesn’t want to sit across the table from a needy woman.

While this is a perfectly natural state in the aftermath of a divorce or break up, it is not the natural state of healthy human beings.  

It’s important for your own personal health, and the health of any future relationship, that you find a way to get your needs met.  When you come to the date, relationship, or marriage leading with your needs, it feels greedy, like you are a taker, seeking only to gratify herself rather than be in a healthy exchange of love and partnership where there is a balance of give and take from both parties.

Thirsty folks attract other thirsty folks at best; at worse, they attract people who will play to your thirst, satisfy their own, and them move on.  Either way, you end up getting hurt and feeling used. For more on this click on my #dateniteRx tip: dateniteRx.

Healthy relationships start with healthy individuals.  Healthy individuals come to the table understanding how to meet their own needs instead of demanding that their partners do so overtly or manipulating them covertly.

No human being can meet another’s needs, nor is it their responsibility.  And frankly, it’s unattractive.

I mean think about it this way . . . how sexy is it when you meet a man who has his ‘ish together.  The only thing he’s looking for is a woman to bring joy into his life. That’s HOT!  

Well, ladies, men feel the same way.  There’s nothing sexier than a woman who gets her own needs met and allows him to treat her like a Queen, instead of a princess who needs to be rescued. In spite of what tv and Disney tell us, most men do not enjoy being “Captain-Save-A-Ho”!

They do enjoy the company of a woman who is grounded and open to a relationship.  A woman who meets her own needs, and doesn’t cheapen her value for a few trinkets, cash, or sex.  She knows she’s a high-value woman and is looking for a man who is worthy of her value.

Remember, Kings are seeking Queens, not needy princesses looking for completion instead of her compliment.


Coach Ivy


Want more tips on How to Bring Your Sexy and Make it More Fun and Exciting than Christmas Morning?  Click here for all 9 tips: 9 Ways to Bring Your Sexy Back.


Why Self-ish is so Damn Sexy!

Being irresistible is a mindset before it’s a reality.  If you do not have the mindset that you are attractive, desirable, irresistible, no matter who tells you that you are the most alluring creature he has ever seen, you will not believe them.

Irresistible is not about what you wear, your hair, makeup, or weight.  It’s about you believing that you are a high value, woman with something to offer.  It’s about you believing that not only are you physically stunning, but you are emotionally secure, spiritually grounded, intellectually savvy, and mentally astute.  You believe that you are the total package. And therefore, you are irresistibly attractive to yourself.

Sexy Silhoettes

“Without you, attraction isn’t possible.”

If you don’t feel irresistibly attractive to yourself, you will not be attractive to others. Without “you” attraction isn’t possible.

That is to say without the real you, real and lasting love and partnership isn’t possible.

Real and lasting attraction, relationship, partnership, is based on something other than physical chemistry.  It’s based on what I like to call the chemistry of character.  It’s not about a pretty face, it’s about the radiance that exudes when you know who you are and your own value.  Not because of what he tell you, but because you know it for yourself

He doesn’t have to validate it.  

He doesn’t have to affirm it.  

He doesn’t even have to acknowledge it.  

It’s not for him, it’s the core of who you are.  It’s the you that shows up and is unapologetically you.

No representative.  No games. No manipulation.

Just you, the whole you, and nothing but you.

That’s not to say you download your life on the first date – that’s not attractive either – yikes!

But you do fully show up, as who you are; not who think he would like, want, or marry.

Real relationships are comprised of real people.  

At some point the real you does show up.  Imagine the disappointment when he finds out you are not who’ve you’ve pretended to be.

Heck, I’m sure you’ve had that happen to you.  We’ve all had that great guy who turned out to be something other than he said or demonstrated he was on those first couple of dates.  And, it was “Lose my information” moment.

Being self-ish is about being your authentic self standing for your own full expression as a woman, a mother, a professional, an entrepreneur, all of the above, none of the above or something else.  You know who you are and you respect and appreciate yourself and require the same of any man you date. And if not, no harm no foul. You simply move on. Because darling, you’re too amazing to accept less than being treated like The Queen you are!

Self-ish is sexy because this is a woman who owns all the parts of herself, warts and all.  

Being self-ish means you know who you are and your are unapologetic for all that you are, and all that you are not.  It it’s liberating and refreshing when dating. And it it definitely sexy. Most men are so used to women playing games, doing what they think men will like and want, to make him choose to be in relationship with you.

But the woman who is self-ish enough to know her value, her worth, doesn’t play those games.  She shows up, I mean fully shows up in the presence of a man, as a woman who knows and values herself.  She’s not looking for validation, she’s looking for a King. And a man who knows his worth, is also self-ish, looking to share his value with the woman he sees a Queen.

High quality men are looking for high value women and will settle for nothing less than the most authentic radiant version of yourself.  And he’ll treasure you like the Queen you are.

Looking for more dating and relationship advice – click here to like my FB page and join my community!

Are You Ready to Captivate Your King in 2018?

Happy New Year 2018 ChampaigneWelcome to 2018!

It’s a brand new year, ladies.  This is one of my most favorite times of the year.  It’s the time when the slate is wiped clean and we have the opportunity to write a new story or change the ending to an old one.

It’s the one time a year we as women are the most forgiving of ourselves.  That’s right generally speaking 360-ish days of the year we are really judgmental, critical, unforgiving, and generally harsh towards our bodies, our actions, our words – both spoken and unspoken, our habits . . . as women, we basically beat ourselves up until we either simply give up or buckle under the self imposed pressure to be perfect.

Then a few days before and after the start of a new year, we become incredibly forgiving. We acknowledge how far we’ve come and where we want to go. Our faith in ourselves is restored we set magnificent BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) and 10 days in we are back to beating ourselves up for making such a ridiculous goal in the first place.

Well, nuts to that!

This year, let’s take a page from the latest book The One Thing and pick the one thing that would mean the most, propel us the farthest, be the most fulfilling, and leave us deeply satisfied.

For some of us it may be a embarking upon a new career, buying a house, taking that dream vacation, or finally getting that dream car we’ve been fantasizing about.

But let’s face it, if you are on my mailing list, follow me on Social Media, or reading this blog you are a smart, successful, savvy woman who will likely achieve all that and more. 

What your soul is longing for, is a love life that rocks!  

couple kissingWhat you truly want, is to attract the love of your life so you can share all of that hard won success.  And that’s not to say you don’t share it with family and friends, but we know, it’s not quite the same as sharing it with your man.  That special someone that gets you, sees you, holds you, loves you.  The One who is the warrior for your heart and the lover of your soul.

Well this year, I’m making in my mission to help as many ladies as I possibly can attract and captivate the love of her life, the heart of her King.  I am committed to standing for REAL (romantic, enlightened, authentic, and lasting) love and sexy soulful partnerships for years to come.




I’ve dedicated my FB Group to teaching you the secrets that men will never tell you and your girlfriends don’t know.  The best of the best is all there for Y-O-U.  Including direct access to me (I hang out here the most when I’m online).  It’s for ladies only so don’t worry your secrets are safe with me.  Go here now to check it out!

Your story has not yet been written; or for those of you in a relationship and wanting a change, your story has been finished.

It is never too late to declare a “do-over”, to wipe the slate clean, and begin again with a fresh perspective, a renewed commitment towards love, romance, partnership, relationship and men.

All you need to do to begin again is to believe; to believe that love is possible for you, for your man, at any time, any place, any age, any stage of life.

And I am here to help!  This year, I am committed to helping my ladies in every way I can to finding true love, REAL love, and lasting partnerships with her One, her true King.

And to do that I’ve got lots of things planned for you, including:

💗 Introducing The Seven Habits of Highly Attractive Women

💗 21 Day Journey of Sensual Self Care

💗 Live Events in February and March

💗 Love Calls – A PRIVATE Call with me to ask Your Most Burning Relationship Question and Get it Answered

💗 Live Stream Trainings

💗 Webinars

💗 And Special Guests Trainings

And that’s not all!!

There will be opportunities for one-on-one and group coaching to make sure you have EVERY opportunity to Captivate Your King in 2018.

Trust me, you don’t want to miss a minute of what I’ve got planned for you!

This is is going to be the year; your year.  

Let’s make it reign . . . men!

To Your Love,

Coach Ivy

P.s. Remember my best goodies are shared in my FB Group. Click here to join!

P.s.s. If you really want to kick it up a notch, join my private mailing list.  All my ladies who are serious about captivating her king connect with me there.  You’ll get fresh content, tried and proven methods to enhance attraction and engage in soulful partnerships, not to mention all my best offers, and discounts get offered here first.  Click here to join now!

Until Death Do Us Part; But the Death of What?

Until Death Do Us Part; But What has to Die?

I was watching Iyanla Fix My Life this past weekend and she asked a very poignant question. She said people take the vow “until death do us part,” but what has to die for you to say the relationship is over?

Is it the death of our intimacy, the relationship itself, the emotional well being of our children, our physical safety, or the death of our essence or self, or the death of our ego.

I can totally understand that we must die to our ego’s to be in relationship. In fact that‘s the only way you can be in a healthy relationship or else it’s all about you and what you can get from your mate rather than a shared partnership.

But I don’t think relationship requires death to our Selves with a capital “S”, I think the little “self” is the ego. That part of you that wants what it wants when and how it wants it. And then I think there is our higher spiritual Self, our highest expression, that part of us that came to fulfill a purpose. And often your role in the relationship is part of that purpose, And at the same time, I don’t think we should have to give up that very critical part of who we are, why we are here simply to have a man in our lives.

I don’t think we should compromise on ensuring the wellbeing of our children and their safety and I certainly don’t think we should compromise on our own safety.

I am not an advocate of divorce. I’ve said many times, I am a hopeful romantic, believing in boundless love, held together by our commitment to creating a life with one another that honors, cherishes, and respects the other. And when that love is suffocating and debilitating I think it may be time to reevaluate, regroup and reassess the value of the relationship.

Death do us part, could simply mean the death of the primary purpose we came together, maybe it was simply to parent kids, maybe it was to grow you both in a way that would prepare you for the relationship you have after this one. Maybe you were never supposed to be together in the first place and what must die is your unhealthy attachment to one another.

I do know that relationships call for us to be all in and if something has to die for us to bring our full selves to be in the relationship, it begs the question if this is the relationship I was meant to be in. Yes we should, evolve, grow, and grow up. But we should have to lose ourselves in or to the relationship to have it. Nor should have to compromise the wellbeing of our children, our family or anything else we hold dear. A relationship should enhance the life you have, not cause it’s untimely demise.

So if you are in that relationship that has you feel like a little of you, your hopes, your dreams are dying each day, ask yourself what more has to die before I choose me before we.

Don’t Believe the Hype – The Real About Self Care

Everyone that follows me, has attended any of my seminars, live streams, or been a coaching client knows that I advocate self-care.

Not because it’s some coachy, jargony, cool buzz-word; or because every other coach is talking about it and I think I should be talking about it; or even because there are people who’ve made millions on the subject and I want my cut.  

I talk about it because this is a real solution to a real problem that women have in their over-scheduled, over-hectic, over-achieving life styles.  

Ladies, we are so busy trying to cram as much life as we can into our days, that we basically give up our right to have a life; we bow to the will of our Siri-Alexa smart phone virtual assistant, and she (like us) continually overbooked our days, nights, and weekends.  Hey, I know from personal experience, I’ve been guilty as charged.

But there comes a point in every woman’s life where she just hits that wall.  There’s a morning when you wake up, the house is quiet, and you just lay there dreading your whole day of “have-tos”.  You dream of Jamaica, The DR, or a cruise to somewhere, anywhere, and can’t remember when you took a vacation, without the kids, without your laptop, without your Siri-Alexa assistant to remind you which way was up.  And, then you just feel defeated because you know that trip can’t come anytime soon (or could it?). So you sigh, close your eyes, and try to steal five more minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off, the kids wake, your honey rolls over, or you start feeling anxious about today’s presentation at work.

But here’s the real on this ladies.  Self care isn’t some lofty coachy idea.  Self care is what every human being owes themselves if they want to live a long, healthy, and prosperous life.  We spend so much time chasing life – aspiring, achieving, acquiring – there is no room to relax, refresh, and recharge.  

Studies show that women are more likely to experience physical symptoms of stress than men.  Stress can show up in many ways; headaches, back aches, being short-tempered,  forgetful, lack of energy, lack of focus, and ultimately, stress can impact your ability to get things done.  For some, it even results in a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and even have an impact on your relationships.

And, it doesn’t have to be like this!  You can take mini self-care vacations every day, or at least a few times a week, to improve your health, emotional and spiritual well-being, and your longevity.

You don’t need to drop everything you are doing and hop on a plan to the Virgin Islands. (Although, I recommend if you are able to do so, go for it!)  You can carve out 5 to 30 minutes each day to pause, breath, and honor your needs.  

Whether it’s taking a bath, having a coffee, chatting with a girlfriend, reading a book in the park, or journaling at lunch, these mini self-care vacations are the glue that hold you and your life together.  

Self care isn’t for sissies!  It takes something to set boundaries and honor them.  It takes courage to actually require Siri-Alexa to put in a self-care block in your calendar, and often the strength of Wonder Woman to actually honor it!  

You can’t pour into others, what you don’t pour into yourself.

Don’t wait until your body is failing, your relationships are in jeopardy, or you forget the big birthday party your child has been going on about for two weeks.  You don’t have to walk out of the meeting, get into a fight with your man, or go on strike at home until the laundry covers the top floor of your house.

You can simply carve out a few minutes each day, or a few days a week, to honor yourself, your needs, your body, your mind, and your spirit, in a way that fills you up and restores your soul.

Take the time, any time to begin to pay yourself first.  Even if all you can start with is one minute a day, then claim that minute with vigor and victory.  Protect that time as if your life depended on it.  And for some of us ladies, it might.

Want more ideas on how to take better care of yourself, join my free 5 day live stream challenge:

The Art of Paying Yourself First: How to Increase Your Energy, and Express Your Irresistible Essence with Confidence.
Ready to start paying yourself self first, and living a life you can’t wait to wake up to, click here: Makeover My Life.  

A Letter to Men

Fellas –

In this dog eat dog world  you guys get a bad rap. And most especially from women. We are hard on a brother. And generally not because of anything you did, but because of the long line of “sit down” fellas that preceded you. There are very few rights a passage for men in this day an age. At least for American men with few exceptions.

This cycle begins with fathers, who may not have been around at all; or if/when they were, they half-assed being a daddy as their fathers had before them. Not out of malice or a lack of love, but a lack of instruction or know how. And let’s face it fellas, you can give what you don’t have, or teach what you don’t know. The best of you reach out, figure it out, and commit to being a better man than those before you. The rest, I personally think are simply lost in their own struggle(s) with no one to show them them way. I’m not man, but my guess is just like being a woman, without someone to show you the way, the journey is long, hard, and the ass-kickings frequent.
For women dating those dudes it looks like, (or feels like) anything and everything from being with a guy who simply has no integrity – i.e. does not honor his word, or trying not to project your frustrations from that last “sorry” so-and-so who lied, cheated, couldn’t or didn’t commit, used her, or all of the above.  


Throw in the the hundreds of hits you get from the less than honorable gentle-”men” online, and what you have is a generation of women who have lost faith in a man’s ability to be a man; or a “good” man however she defines it.


With no hope to meet the man of our dreams, we fully installed our “bitch-shield”, and pray for the best. This is that wall of resistance, anger, bitterness, distance, or disdain that you guys probably encounter as early as the first phone call.
Years of training have taught us not to believe, not to trust, not to open to a man, because we know that in the end, we’ll be the ones listening to One Last Cry by Brian McNight, drowning our sorrows in Hagen Daaz. 


Years of practice have harden our once soft hearts, making it damn near impossible for a man, any man, great, good, or in-progress, to get in without scaling the fortress of judgment, fighting dragons of the past, only to be required to give us a kiss of pure love and commitment before you even know our name.


And, it’s not fair.


No we shouldn’t judge you based upon our experience of the past, but if that’s all we’ve got, and we girl’s feel justified in protecting ourselves. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying that’s how it is.


And it’s not just women, that give men a bad rap, it’s society at large. There are no television shows with strong men. All the sitcoms portray men as idiots, or being controlled by women. The women earn the money and run the family.


All of the drama’s have men as players, or if they are in a relationship they are liars, cheaters, or abusers or have to come to some crisis of belief before they “fall” in love and “discover” that she is the one.


Romance novels paint unrealistic pictures of the “perfect” man leaving women to ponder “Where the hell is this dude?”


Reality shows give us the scarcity take on relationships – i.e. there are very few men in the world in general. And the few that exist are out either out of our league (all millionaires in LA, or 22 years old software geniuses who’d rather play video games), or we’ll have to scratch and claw our way through 20 women to get to one good single man in our office, church, singles group.


Self-help books tell you to work on yourself and don’t worry about the man at all. He’ll either show up or if he doesn’t, eventually you won’t care. So embrace being lonely and like it.

Well, I don’t believe it! I don’t believe all men are players, commitment-phobes, or idiots; I don’t believe that men aren’t capable of real intimacy, real connection, and mature relationships; and I sure as hell don’t believe that men don’t want intimacy, partnership, and love.


 What I DO believe is that we’ve made it impossible for men, masculine men, to show themselves,and be appreciated. 


That holding a door gets you a nasty look. Offering to carry a package, gets you a nasty comment, and offering a compliment or comment about her beauty or feminine charms gets you slapped.


I get it. It’s not easy to be a man today. It’s not easy to have your masculinity accepted, appreciated, llet alone celebrated.
And you know what? You know what the real truth is?
Women are DYING to see MEN!! We are LONGING to know you exist. 


We want to see you.


We NEED to see you.


We want to witness your masculinity.


We want to revel in it, be protected by it. This isn’t about taking us back to the 1920’s where all there is for women is the kitchen and the bedroom. This is about showing up as the full power of masculine men in the face of the fullness of a feminine woman.  
It’s about a man being able to be in the presence and accept all of me/us as woman and still be in your masculine. There is NOTHING sexier that a man holding his full masculine presence energy in the full expression of a woman. 
It is this expression of masculinity that we want to see, need to see. We ladies are looking for our compliment, our rock, and our champion.


We want to see men; men who lead and men who love; men who laugh and men who cry. Men who father and men who parent. Men who keep their promises, and men who act with generosity as well as ferocity.


We need to know that you actually exist, that the there is real possibility for lasting and loving relationship with a grown a*s man, capable of grown up love.
Yeah, I know some of you say yeah, I’m that guy and women don’t want me, like me, or the package I come it. They are condescending, commanding, demanding, and downright domineering. And frankly no one has time for the nonsense.
Hey, I hear you. And I write this letter as someone has to make the first move.  
We have to see with better eyes and engage with an open heart.

And my request of men is to stand firm in the fullness of your masculinity.
Maybe just maybe we can meet in the middle.


So MEN . . . Show Yourselves . . .


Men of integrity, show us that you can honor his word and your needs..


Men of strength, offer to help me with my packages. In fact, insist. Show me that this man never lets a woman struggle when your strong arms and take the weight.


Men of tenderness, lend me your shoulder when you hear the sadness of my voice. Wipe my tears with your gentle hands when they spill onto my cheeks. Show me you can handle my sadness even when it’s inconvenient and you can’t fix it.


Gentlemen, hold my doors, offer your arm when we are walking, request a call to so you know I’m home safe. Help me with my coat, take my hand when I’m stepping into and out of your car. Gently usher me into a building with your hand in the small of my back, and present me as someone meaningful in your life to friends and family.


Lovers learn what pleases and pleasures me. Don’t just “understand” that my body needs more time, honor that, support that, usher me to fulfilment, allow me to completely surrender to your touch.


Protectors don’t be afraid to stand up to me and for me. If I’m being a shrew, gently remind me of who I am, and remind me of who you are, my man, on my side, loving me always. Stand for me when we face the world. Have my back, don’t leave me out there uncovered, unprotected, vulnerable. Stand with me when we create our lives. Be a stand for our relationship, fight for us, protect the sanctity of our relationship against internal threats infidelity, boredom, routine, and outside threats – non-supportive family and friends, tragedy, sadness, health issues, family crisis, and demanding careers. 


Providers create a safe space for me to be me, for me to be loved exactly as I am exactly as I am not. Do your share to contribute to our lives emotionally, spiritually, intellectually and financially. Create as space me to flourish and blossom.


Fathers show me you can be a dad, present for your children, respectful of their mother no matter your status. That you can be emotionally available and financially responsible for any child you have brought into this world. That YOUR children are important to you and a part of your life. That you refuse to contribute to the next generation of women who can’t see a man as a gift.


Leaders share your relationship vision, your life’s mission. Let me see that you are actually going somewhere doing something. That your aren’t self-absorbed but rather a self-advocate for all. That you know what you want, and aren’t afraid to go after it, no matter what it is, including me. That you aren’t afraid to lead me, to lead a relationship, to lead a family into a life of love. It may not be a perfect life, but you can be counted on to be there making choices with me in the trenches, in the moments when life is rough. 
Your masculinity belongs to you. Of course you don’t need a woman’s permission to express or give your gifts. I also know the world is not making it easy for you to show up fully, present as masculine. Women have been conditioned not to trust the masculine with our bodies, with our hearts, with our hopes, fears and dreams. Now more than ever we need you to show up, stand up as the full expression of masculinity; as warriors for truth, champions of children, protectors of family; as leaders, as lovers, and as friends.
I know you are out there. 

Show yourselves.

You will be welcomed.